(More re-posts of my old "Nanny City" columns. This one is perhaps my favorite...)
Don’t urinate in public. This message brought to you by you, the taxpayers of Fort Collins.
Pretty self evident, no? Not for the City of Fort Collins. They spend taxpayer money to tell you all sorts of self-evident, nagging, and downright bizarre things.
It’s not just the usual stuff we’re heard over and over again, like: “Take shorter showers” (“Indoor Water Conservation”), “Recycle” (Recycling) and “Install smoke detectors” (“Fire Prevention and Survival”). No, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. The City of Fort Collins has advice ranging from a warning not to make impulse purchases (“Things You Can Do”) to telling us how long we should let our car warm up in the morning (Air Quality).
Don’t believe me? Well, all of the following is from the City of Fort Collins.
The city would like you to drive less. Take public transportation to conserve oil (Transfort). Ride your bicycle (Bicycle Plan), car pool (“Clean Air – It’s up to us”) and walk to lunch. (Air Quality.) If you do have a car, get a tune-up (”Smoking Vehicle Hotline”). Buy gas in the evening (Air Quality), but don’t top off your tank (“Stop at the Click”).
The city requires that you paint your house (Municipal Code), but don’t paint during the day and tightly cap any solvents (Air Quality). Plant a tree (“Save our Shade”), but don’t let it grow too big (Neighborhood and Building Services).
According to the city, you should xeriscape your lawn (“Water Conservation Tips”). If you have grass, mow every five days and leave the clippings on the lawn (“Composting Yard and Food Wastes”). Be sure to use the right kind of mower (“Air Quality”), and don’t mow before 5 PM. (“Clean Air – It’s up to us.”)
If it gets hot, go ahead and install air conditioning (“Drought and Extreme Heat Survival”), but make sure it’s energy efficient (“Cooling Rebate Program”), and don’t use it too much. (“Clean Air – It’s up to us”).
Need some advice on where to hang your dry cleaning or whether or not you should be huffing moth ball fumes? The city is there to help. Hang your dry cleaning in the garage and don’t inhale those moth ball vapors. (Indoor Air Quality).
We’re just getting started. If you need some holiday gift ideas, the city’s “Water Conservation Tips” suggests that your loved ones might appreciate low-flow showerheads, a rain sensor or perhaps a book on xeriscaping. Or, you might consider the gift idea provided in the “Things You Can Do” publication: plant a tree in your loved one’s name. (Happy Anniversary, dear! I got you a rain sensor!)
Perhaps most bizarre and troubling are when the city starts to sound like a nagging parent (no offense, Mom). Turn off the lights when you leave a room (“Clean Air – It’s up to us.”). Don’t use the toilet as a trash can (“Indoor Water Conservation”). Don’t urinate in public. (“The Duh Campaign”). Stay out of the sun. (“Drought and Extreme Heat Survival”). Don’t play golf in a thunderstorm. (“Thunderstorm Survival”). Stay indoors and dress warmly in a blizzard (“Winter Weather Preparedness”). Clean your house. (“Indoor Air Quality”). Get in shape. (“Clean Air – It’s up to us.”)
The City of Fort Collins is there to tell us how to be good neighbors, too: Talk to your neighbor (Neighborhood and Building Services). Help them shovel their driveway (“Adopt-A-Neighbor”). Don’t throw your trash on your lawn (Code Compliance). If you have a dog, don’t let him bark too loudly (Municipal Code) and bathe him regularly (Indoor Air Quality). If you neighbor has a dog, the city’s Neighborhood and Building Services is there to help you write a “Please Quiet Your Barking Dog” letter.
Imagine a City of Fort Collins with a scaled back government. We’d apparently be huffing moth balls, running around waving our golf clubs at thunder clouds, urinating in public, parking on the lawn and giving our loved ones non-environmentally sensitive gifts.
You’re paying for all of this. Your taxes go to all sorts of programs that seem to be based on the assumption that we’re all a bunch of morons who need to be told when to come in out of the rain (“Thunderstorm Survival”).
Had enough yet?
Fort Collins Now, September 2007
Pretty self evident, no? Not for the City of Fort Collins. They spend taxpayer money to tell you all sorts of self-evident, nagging, and downright bizarre things.
It’s not just the usual stuff we’re heard over and over again, like: “Take shorter showers” (“Indoor Water Conservation”), “Recycle” (Recycling) and “Install smoke detectors” (“Fire Prevention and Survival”). No, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. The City of Fort Collins has advice ranging from a warning not to make impulse purchases (“Things You Can Do”) to telling us how long we should let our car warm up in the morning (Air Quality).
Don’t believe me? Well, all of the following is from the City of Fort Collins.
The city would like you to drive less. Take public transportation to conserve oil (Transfort). Ride your bicycle (Bicycle Plan), car pool (“Clean Air – It’s up to us”) and walk to lunch. (Air Quality.) If you do have a car, get a tune-up (”Smoking Vehicle Hotline”). Buy gas in the evening (Air Quality), but don’t top off your tank (“Stop at the Click”).
The city requires that you paint your house (Municipal Code), but don’t paint during the day and tightly cap any solvents (Air Quality). Plant a tree (“Save our Shade”), but don’t let it grow too big (Neighborhood and Building Services).
According to the city, you should xeriscape your lawn (“Water Conservation Tips”). If you have grass, mow every five days and leave the clippings on the lawn (“Composting Yard and Food Wastes”). Be sure to use the right kind of mower (“Air Quality”), and don’t mow before 5 PM. (“Clean Air – It’s up to us.”)
If it gets hot, go ahead and install air conditioning (“Drought and Extreme Heat Survival”), but make sure it’s energy efficient (“Cooling Rebate Program”), and don’t use it too much. (“Clean Air – It’s up to us”).
Need some advice on where to hang your dry cleaning or whether or not you should be huffing moth ball fumes? The city is there to help. Hang your dry cleaning in the garage and don’t inhale those moth ball vapors. (Indoor Air Quality).
We’re just getting started. If you need some holiday gift ideas, the city’s “Water Conservation Tips” suggests that your loved ones might appreciate low-flow showerheads, a rain sensor or perhaps a book on xeriscaping. Or, you might consider the gift idea provided in the “Things You Can Do” publication: plant a tree in your loved one’s name. (Happy Anniversary, dear! I got you a rain sensor!)
Perhaps most bizarre and troubling are when the city starts to sound like a nagging parent (no offense, Mom). Turn off the lights when you leave a room (“Clean Air – It’s up to us.”). Don’t use the toilet as a trash can (“Indoor Water Conservation”). Don’t urinate in public. (“The Duh Campaign”). Stay out of the sun. (“Drought and Extreme Heat Survival”). Don’t play golf in a thunderstorm. (“Thunderstorm Survival”). Stay indoors and dress warmly in a blizzard (“Winter Weather Preparedness”). Clean your house. (“Indoor Air Quality”). Get in shape. (“Clean Air – It’s up to us.”)
The City of Fort Collins is there to tell us how to be good neighbors, too: Talk to your neighbor (Neighborhood and Building Services). Help them shovel their driveway (“Adopt-A-Neighbor”). Don’t throw your trash on your lawn (Code Compliance). If you have a dog, don’t let him bark too loudly (Municipal Code) and bathe him regularly (Indoor Air Quality). If you neighbor has a dog, the city’s Neighborhood and Building Services is there to help you write a “Please Quiet Your Barking Dog” letter.
Imagine a City of Fort Collins with a scaled back government. We’d apparently be huffing moth balls, running around waving our golf clubs at thunder clouds, urinating in public, parking on the lawn and giving our loved ones non-environmentally sensitive gifts.
You’re paying for all of this. Your taxes go to all sorts of programs that seem to be based on the assumption that we’re all a bunch of morons who need to be told when to come in out of the rain (“Thunderstorm Survival”).
Had enough yet?
Fort Collins Now, September 2007
